Remember all those times I said I wanted to die? Well in reality, I just wanted to be saved. And in a way, still, I’m just a damsel in distress. To begin, there was no way in hell that I could have forgot about it all. But in all truths, I like to play mind games. Not only with the world, but myself at best. I got so good at pretending, sometimes I can’t separate the truths and the lies. In a sense it’s a good thing, but in the long run, it’s going going to put me in deep shit. But i’ll just keep pretending, that I don’t know you and that we’re just strangers and this is our first meeting. That way i’ll always have something to say, because I’m too curious for the attention of strangers.
It all began this month. Shit went down, showed up missing for a day or two. It kind of showed who cared enough. And sometimes I’d like to play a life as dead. I like pretending I’m dead, then it shows who cares enough, or who actually notices you’re gone. And after that I realized I didn’t like the outside world. I kept myself locked up and away at home , no questions asked. Then I would tell people I was hibernating because it’s cold, and all the pretty girls hibernate in the winter and come back in the summer. But you know me, as much as I despise the cold, winter is my favorite season. And after a while, I came back, but I’m still not ready.
But even a little after that, something even more fucked me over. Probably two days after I was marked gone. Met someone, name unmentionable that screwed things pretty badly. It’s the whole stranger thing again, and my unnatural interest for them. Only because strangers are people that do not know you as much as you do not know them. Nobody is a good person, but I always wish for the good in people. So given pretty good fresh impressions, I let this thing take a spin. I said, hey, this seems real. But there are things that you never expect anyone to do. You never expect a relationship to be based on lies. You never suspect the liar as a liar. But more importantly, you never expected this to happen. You were a good person, but you have no morals. You really don’t give a rat’s ass about anything but yourself. You said you wanted to make me happy, but in reality you were making me sad. I said, “It’s not your fault, the truth doesn’t hurt. Knowing you were lied to hurts.” But now I don’t know if I should be twice as hurt, knowing that you lied too. You knew I didn’t want you. I said, I’m not looking for anything. I don’t do this, I don’t do that. But you don’t care, you don’t care about anyone but yourself. But at the end, I do have to give you a round of applause. For thanks, to the last bit of humanity in me. With sincere, I have to say that because of you, I don’t trust people anymore, and I thank you for that.
Because of all that, I screwed up us. Yeah, you know, us as in we. It was kind of fucked up, I have to admit. But it’s hard not to feel that way. I trusted you, but there were reasons why I chose to believe what I heard. All your actions and words make me to believe something else, not the feelings that I were looking for. And in a nutshell, by that time it looked like you didn’t even care anymore, that you were so over us that I just looked like a clingy bitch who was coming for a round 2 of everything. But I’m not that person, or I’m not that person anymore. The past few days after was hard because I felt like an asshole for doing what I did, but sometimes words aren’t enough to fix a relationship. And then I said something to you, and you responded as if it was a calm, collected thought. And after I saw your response, something went cold. It was like I didn’t even care anymore. That my life is better when I don’t give a fuck. But, it still hurt. That after everything, it was your best choice of words. And I had to ask myself, “Am I really that easy to let go of?” Well, god forbid not. And then I cared less and less, and at some point we ran out of words to say to each other, and I would just apologize, constantly. And today, I was so confident, I was so happy to say I was over you. And she said, “No you’re not. You’re definitely not.” I didn’t exactly respond to this. I just looked at her, but I didn’t necessarily say anything. I just sat there and wondered if it was true. And the whole day, I thought about it. And sadly enough, it is. I can pretend all I want that it’s over, that I don’t care and I’m over it. But I’m not. It’s the look on my face when I retell a moment that we shared in our past. And it’s the way I don’t hate you, even when I have every reason to. It’s every little thing, and every moment you’re still on my mind. And everything you think or say about me still matters even if it shouldn’t. It’s because you matter. I talked to you about this and you said your feelings changed, and it kind of hurt too. But I’m sorry for hurting you, because I don’t believe in hurting people. But everything I did before was all for you, and by that time, it was time I did something for myself. But, I loved you, and I still do. I loved you even before the fame, even before we happened and way back when I didn’t even mean anything to you. And ever since January 11th, I still thought about it every day. Giving myself false hopes of things that will never happen. Creating something that wasn’t even there. But I did it despite my own will. And anything in the future that will revolve around us will be against my own will.
It’s only been 18 days into February, and that’s about it.
I usually don’t write with proper grammar, but this is long so it seems necessary for the long run. I usually don’t write about my personal self; just things that it means to be human to feel . There is a light that never goes out , but lately it’s been flickering. Say, it only means to be human if you know what happiness and sadness means. Happiness and sadness are the main, all other emotions just play into it. I’m a simple person, to be honest. Rainy Sunday mornings, the smell of coffee, waking up knowing I’m not alone is euphoria. But the things I feel get the best of me. Happiness, not a problem - I adore the good old smiling, laughing. It’s a great feeling. But there is an unequal balance in my nature. Sadness, depression. In all this simplicity, there is something I can’t control. Everything that is thrown at me, I always end up taking it the wrong way. I’ve learned to see everything in the most negative way. I’ve been disappointed one too many times in my life, and if I expect the worst possible outcome, then I will never be let down. Speaking about let down, I’ve been let down one too many times.
People are not understanding. Every person alive is different and it’s hard for people to understand and embrace this concept. True, I don’t have the most pleasant attitude, but I’m not exactly repulsive. Humans are so quick to judge, everything that we see is based on what is the realm of perfection. Perfection should be despised, but everyone lives up to it. As much as everyone hates what perfect is defined, everyone tries to be it. Then maybe, it’s true that what you hate is what you want to be.
But to be honest, what I wanted to talk about is none of this, just something that has been in my mind for a while. What I want to be is an artist. Not painting, or drawing. Not singing or any of those bizarre talents. This artist I’m talking about is being human. This is too much of a Utopian thought in a Dystopian society . To be honest, I just want to be art. Not a ludicrous freak or an act of enticing pornography - just as a beautiful human being. I don’t want to be seen with the morals of a man nor a woman. Given, morals of a man view me with the demeanor of a whore. Given, morals of a woman view me with hatred, of god knows what. Because of this, I hate most people. But I especially can’t stand women. Women are misleading. They can never say what’s on their minds and are extremely vague. They want things, but are too shy to say it. This isn’t always true. Some women are repulsive. They say what is on their minds, exactly what they’re thinking and take complete control. In a nutshell, women are confusing as shit and at the end of they day, they’re still confusing - and if not they’re even more confusing than before. I speak for myself for this.
But all these morals from men and women are sins. And beautiful sins, like beautiful things, are the privilege of the rich, by Oscar Wilde. I’m a sinner. I enjoy sinning. There are a few things in life that I want to be before I die. This includes, meaning something to someone. I want to make someone happy even if I’m not. I could easily feed of the happiness of another. My purpose in life is not only to please myself, but to find my other half to please. Most importantly, I want to influence or inspire somebody. I want to inspire a beautiful change in someone. I want to change someone’s views on something. I want to be thought of not a whore, not a bitch, not shit, not anything but myself. And good girls seldom make history. I’m not saying I’m bad, and I’m not saying I’m good. I’m saying I’m an artist.
It’s 4:55 AM . Nobody is awake , it’s desperation . This is my last attempt . It’s not insomnia , I just can’t fall asleep tonight .
It’s 5:01 AM . Some nights I feel like I can’t sleep at all . Some nights I feel surreal. Tonight I feel both .
It’s 5:12 AM . I almost feel deprived of sleep but something is keeping me up . It’s weird , and all i’ve been doing is thinking about you . I think i’ll stay up until the sun rises . Just a bunch of random thoughts put out here . Remember that day I told you that we weren’t friends anymore and that I never wanted to talk to you ever again ? Well I take it back . Or I wish I would have told you the day afterwards that I was just kidding and lets just pretend none of this ever happened . And I think it’s sad that while i’m imagining this scenario , I can’t quite possibly think of how you would respond . This tells me something . I think i’m forgetting you . The only thing I remember is your name and your past face . And I think I forgot you on our birthday , so i’ll say it now . Happy Birthday , Matthew Bernard .
It’s 5:24 AM . I liked you . You liked me too , but you also liked her . I loved you too much for you to break your own heart , so I had to break mine .
It’s 5:39 AM . I never had you in the first place . It makes me so upset . You told me that feeling of heartbreak isn’t something you should get used to . Truth is , thinking about you made me get used to it . I didn’t know heartbreak could hurt this bad .
It’s 5:48 AM . I’m getting this hang of this . This night will most definitely mean something to me . The sun isn’t up yet , but it’s the blue that you see when you leave the house early during the wintertime . I think it’s silly to say that I don’t like to sleep late because it makes my turtles worry . They never sleep until I sleep . They’re practically nightowls . I think if I move on , I don’t think i’ll ever know what love feels like . Love is a mutual relationship . If I can’t give , then I can’t receive . I asked a bot , “How can you stop thinking about someone ?” And as human as it seems , it responded with , “It’s hard , sometimes impossible.”
It’s 5:57 AM . I’m hungry and I want a snack . The sky reminds me of the winter . I like it .
It’s 6:13 AM . I don’t feel tired anymore . Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me or did you completely forget me like how i’m forgetting you . I was a completely different person 3 years ago and I wonder how you are now . It always amazes me that we were once strangers , we were then no longer strangers , and then we had feelings . At the end , we became strangers . It’s a cycle that never ends . As much as we think we know someone , there’s always something that everyone hides . We thought there were people we could trust . People lie . Trust no one but yourself . It’s hard to stay alive if you don’t . Be good to yourself when no one else will .
It’s 6:31 AM . I’m feeling pretty good . My life doesn’t revolve around you anymore . AS much as you think I care about you all the time , you really don’t mean much to me anymore . You’re a total sweetheart , but you belong to someone else . Someone who actually cares about you . And as much as she annoys you and doesn’t fulfill your needs , don’t take her for granted . If you think she’s the best thing in the world , then let her know . Why do you make her go through your obstacles ? Yes , life is definitely full of obstacles , but you’re just creating unnecessary ones that could just make her not give a damn anymore . And as much as I still want to care , I don’t think I can anymore . So if you know this is for you , then take it . This may be the thing that saves your life . I love you .
It’s 6:52 AM . It’s practically been 2 hours since my first entry , but practically been awake for the whole night . It feels great and i’m wondering how you’re doing . Do you ever miss me ? Then at least I know that I made that much of an impact on you . Truth is , I can never talk to you again . Because all these feelings I had for you would come back and thats not what I want anymore . You aren’t the answer . You are the problem . I wake up and realize you are the cause of my depression . The dreams are fantasy , the sadness is reality . This is my chance .
It’s 7:02 AM . I just reread all my entries and realized one thing . Parts don’t add up and I know why . Because you lied . You never cared for me . And if you did , they were fake feelings too . And you used me as entertainment to pass your nights as an insomniac . I don’t hate you , but I should . I hate what you did . And to think that you were someone who was looking for somebody else who cared for you as much as I did . I hate to accept the truth , but if I don’t , I can never move on . Not being able to move on hurts more than moving on . My worse fear is coming true .
It’s 7:17 AM . I don’t like dating because I don’t want to find someone else to tear apart my heart like you did . I truly loved you . But I think you need someone to want you . Well , I want you . So be brave and want me back .
It’s 7:27 AM . I hate how you act like someone I don’t even know . You seem so different now when we talk . Sometimes I cry because I don’t even know who you are .
It’s 7:41 AM . You are a trick . You always seem like you like me at some point in life , but i’m not quite sure how to react . So if you do have some sort of affection towards me , please don’t let this be an act . But truth is , act or not , I don’t think we will ever happen because I don’t feel the same . I got so good at waiting and I raised myself for goodbyes . But until then , I hide under this mask of invincibility and i’m scared i’ll be hiding forever .
It’s 7:52 AM . I don’t know if you realize this but , you have this unbelievable effect on me . As much as it seems like I despise you when we fight , i’m really hoping you would be the one to say sorry even if it was completely my fault . And when we fight , I feel like it’s going to be the last one and I feel so relieved . But truth is , you can’t leave me . I love you too much . At night , I can’t help but to think how lonely it is even though you’re night beside me . The thought that it seems that at this point it’s completely over , and i’m back to square one makes me feel so alone . I’m not afraid of getting old , i’m not even afraid of dying . I’m afraid of living a life without you , and when I cry , i’ve got nothing to hold onto . It’s like drowning in loneliness .
It’s 8:01 AM . You said beautiful isn’t your word . Just tell me i’m beautiful . On the inside at least . Don’t treat me like this when I love you .
It’s 8:09 AM . You meant more to me than probably anyone ever took you in consideration for . I miss you more than you can imagine . It’s stupid for me to say that after all the shit you put me through , but I didn’t want you back . I wanted our friendship back . And the fact that I don’t care anymore makes me want to go through it all over again . I should miss you . But I still love you no matter what . I have to let go .
It’s 8:20 AM . Rishi , you left me 5 years ago . You are still here , I feel you . Some days I feel like disappearing too . Saying ‘don’t’ doesn’t help .
It’s 8: 35 AM . It sucks how everything seems to fall apart when you’re not here . Everything seems perfect when you’re next to me . I want to escape reality . Or I just want to grow up .Then we could just go away together and no one would have to know . But I still cry at night because you’re so far away from me . You’re a burden and a blessing . I think I’m falling in love with you .
It’s 8:41 AM . You probably wont read this but , stay out of my life . Thanks . You gave me false hope for no reason . I thought maybe we actually had something , because all your friends thought so at least . So save me the trouble and just stop .
It’s 9:21 AM . I’m done typing this from my blackberry notes to tumblr . I’m hungry and i’m going to make some breakfast for myself and enjoy the rest of my day . Everything’s off my chest . I’m done .